Six feet under your skin.

Hey believer,
Please come give your faith to me.
Hey there apathetic,
Why won't your courage rub off on me?

Hey there Mother Earth,
I'd love so much to be under your skin,
Six feet under your skin..

Hey there Father Time,
When does your clock run out?
When will I stop ticking?

Oh Maker,
I'm ready to come home,
I'm ready to come home.

Hello dear Silence,
When will you come to drown me?

To visit the grave of the living.

When someone dies, the image you have of them always stays the same. If they die at the age of 15, 30 years later they will still be 15 to you. It must be a strange feeling to remember your best friend on your 30th birthday, 15 years after their death. I think it might be a way that we force ourselves to move on. Maybe as you forget the 15 year old that once lived in you, you also slowly forget the 15 year old that has died everywhere but inside your mind.
I do not have the experience to sit here and tell you how hard it is to visit a close friend's grave. I can, however, tell you how hard it is to want to when they aren't even dead.
The changes life brings can kill off anything, whether it's a friend, a family member, a pet, or even your hope for a better tomorrow. And, with every death, you also die slowly. One vessel at a time.
There is good news for you who are dying. With every death, comes knowledge. And with knowledge comes the dawning of new life. When something dies, it leaves behind a part of itself that will always last forever. Whether it's physical, or just a mere thought, something new and beautiful can always sprout from it.

The hurt that won't last.

It's hard to feel unappreciated. People can have that effect sometimes, especially the ones that only come to you when they need something that you can provide. The hardest part though, is when you start to evaluate your relationships to see what kind of people you around. You always seem to find that one person who you love so much that is really bringing you down. And when you figure out who they are, you know what you need to do, but you deny it, because you know that the pain you would have without them would be unbearable. But what you don't see is the fact that you can't even take a breath because you're already hurting since you won't cut them out of your life. I am not one to be giving advice, but all I can tell you is the only thing I wish that someone would have told me. Don't hold on. Leave all those people behind. Just leave and don't look back. Sometimes it's ok to run away. You will be fine. At least the hurt you will feel alone will fade, and eventually die over time.

Do well.

Two days ago, on January 27th, my sister had her 19th birthday. It was a Sunday, and my family went out for lunch with my grandparents. We ate Thai food, laughed, and forgot the issues of the previous week. At least they did. I am sad. I am very sad, and I feel lonely even though I know that I am surrounded by people that love me. My grandmother senses that in me. Even if I try to pretend that she doesn't, I will always be wrong. I can smile, laugh, and speak from the most fake, deceitful corner of my heart and she can always tell whats really there. She says it's my eyes. I say it's wisdom. She has 72 years of it, while I have only 15. So I put on a show, like I've been doing for the past few weeks. I looked at my grandmother, and her green eyes told me she wasn't fooled. So I continued eating my favorite dish in the entire world (yellow curry with mixed Thai vegetables and white rice) even though it felt like a chore. My Grandma Jane has this way about her that makes me feel like a small child, and not in a bad way. I can cry for hours with her and all I never feel ashamed. When we were leaving the restaurant, my grandparents had to begin their drive back to their home town. My grandpa gave me a rough, tight squeeze, as grandfathers often do, and as I turned to my grandmother, I felt hot tears sting my eyes. She said nothing aloud. Her eyes said it all. She held me tight and whispered in my ear, "Do well." I knew what she meant as soon as the words left her mouth. She did not mean in school. She did not mean in sports, or anything like that. She meant in my heart. Grandma Jane is the strongest, most beautiful, inspirational woman I know, (aside from my own mother) and she can say millions of things in only two words.

Bring in the New year.

Happy New Years. In 42 minutes it will be 2008. I am not prepared, and honestly, I am terrified. I have never gone into detail about myself in this blog, and I have never shared anything about my personal life. I guess now is as good a time as ever. My name is not Margarette, as you know, and I am 15 years old. I live in a city in the United States. I am going to begin this with an account of 2007 for me. In January, I was caught in the middle of a suicide attempt and sent directly to a hospital. After that, my grandfather was diagnosed with terminal cancer, and I began struggling in school. People had heard the rumors from a teacher about what had happened in January, and they began to taunt me. (I go to a small, private christian high school where suicide attempts are considered to be of Satan.) I had no friends, and often found threatening notes in my locker making sure I was aware of that. I was called the Antichrist, and people spread rumors that I was on heroine that almost got me expelled and sent back to rehab. I dropped out of school in the middle of march and finished the rest of the year through home school that ended up controlling the rest of my summer. In the fall, I was told that I had to start school again back in my private high school, which ended up just as bad as the previous school year. I still have no friends, and I still hear whispers of parents and teachers recommending each other, their students, and their children to stay away from me for the sake of their spiritual health. I have no resolutions this time. Only prayers.

Tomorrow is only a black sky away.

In this city,
dark and dreary,

eyes meet only concrete,

wet and grey.

In my city,

sunny and golden,

a smile is only a

handshake away.

Is it vast and empty,

or narrow, and busy?

Tomorrow is only a

black sky away.

The man with the briefcase,

black, and slick,

has harsh eyes, and only

one expression today.

The mind knows no limits,

the body no risks,

The subway system took all that away.

The ground here is shaking,

the grass here is dead,

the capital building took nature away.

Speak louder.

The hustle and bustle

took your voice away.

If there is a God.

The heart is a mysterious thing. It seems to be the most vital, yet also most fragile organ in the human body, aside from the brain. Do not take it for granted, I learned last night that just how valuable it is. A very dear friend of mine went to the cardiologist earlier this week because she was having some heart issues. She is bleeding internally. Her heart leaks blood with every beat. She needs open heart surgery to live out a normal life. This surgery is extremely dangerous, and it involves stopping her heart during the surgery. This is going to be a very hard Christmas on her and her family. The surgery is so risky that they still have not decided if it is worth doing. Keep her in your thoughts. I do not know if there is a God, but if there is, prayer wouldn't hurt either. Pray for Oni. Even if its just a silent thought while you go on with your day, everything counts.